So after a great Christmas/New Year and a killer Australia Day there was no improvement in employment for the Husband and shit went down hill fast. I attribute the lack of posts to the stress and general unhappiness of barely being able to feed your kids. Though many may dramatise there have been more than a few days where Husband and I have gone without food to make sure the rations last til pay day.
So payment arrangements were made and a few payments missed but we'll catch up eventually.
Importantly, it was my eldest daughters birthday today and we needed to have money for gifts and cake and a very small (read cheap) celebration with her BFF's.
This is the child who was born so early they let me hold her at birth because they didn't think she'd make it and I would cope better having held her. The child who we waited 4 days to hear she would live. The child I didn't hold again for 8 days and who didn't come home until she could prove she could kickstart her own breathing response when she just stopped breathing. The child who has argued and bullied and complained about everything to the point where the Husband just wants to give up and blame me and to the point where I see now it is my fault and I don't know how or if I can change her.
My eldest daughter was born in the height of the 'reason, don't smack' revolution. My eldest daughter is very intelligent but children can't reason. By the time I had learned this I had already spawned a argument machine. She wanted a reason for everything. The fact that I say so is not good enough when frankly we all know it bloody well should be. To make matters worse I am a teacher and I see this crap all the time but didn't recognise where it was headed in my own child. In short, I have ruined her because now she doesn't know when to argue her point and when to just shut and follow instructions. It could literally get her killed. Imagine we're standing by a busy road, we go to cross but a car comes screaming around the corner and I yell "STOP!". Her response would be to ask me why, argue or ignore me when it should be to just fucking stop because I SAID SO!
So back to my point.
We have no money, it's her birthday and I have scrounged together enough money to buy a few presents (totalling $46) and to take her and 2 friends to a $5 brunch and a $6 movie and all she has done is complain that her birthday hasn't been good enough. That we haven't done enough and then she loses her shit with her father while they are preparing for a night fishing trip (something else she has been busting to do that we are doing for her birthday) and it's all over. She's in her room, he's given up and were there not other kids looking forward to tomorrow there'd be no movie either.
The Husband and I have questioned whether she is beyond any behaviour norms for her age, we have made excuses about hunger and tiredness, we have identified each others traits in her in the blame game but it all amounts to nought.
She is a rude, bad tempered, ingrate who's gotten away with being such for too long.
We held out on letting her go to Girl Guide Camp until the very last minute and I 'traded' consequences so she could go but the Husband was right. We should have stuck to the 'No Camp' consequence.
So this time, she was sent to her room so we could discuss punishment/consequences before the Husband leapt to something we couldn't follow through on.
The plan is to take every privilege away and she will have to earn it back through behaviour change -some short term, some long term.
So here's the deal:
No iPod(possible limited weekend use dependant upon behaviour)
No laptop (except school work for 2 weeks)
No TV show preferences(to be reassessed after 2 weeks)
No game choice with the siblings (for 1 month -she uses games to bully them)
No Drama lessons for at least 1 term. (she can go back when we see some real behaviour change).
She will live and suffer by 3 rules which have somehow been misunderstood or left out:
Follow instructions
No complaints/arguments
Be nice
So let's see if we can fix her. I've always known our downfall was inconsistency but this has reached all new levels of hard to live with.
Feel free to join me if your kid has hit Super Brat levels. The philosophy is KISS, Old Skool!
Simple rules and earning privilege.
Starting....NOW!
...and yes, you can come out of your room now ;)
on a low biorhythm day i watched Dr Phil and listened to him say it takes 100 'attaboys' to make up for one 'you idiot!'. he might be right … but what i have found is they don't HEAR the 'attaboys', they only hear the 'idiots', and they use them against you. my children have begun telling me, when they are in trouble for bickering … or swearing … or being in-general hideous brats … that it is MY fault, that i taught them to behave this way everytime i yelled or punished them. they have even pulled out the, 'I'll call the police … ' chestnut when i take away their precious ithings.
ReplyDeletelike you, i am fighting back … complain about dinner? get no dinner … bicker over the trampoline, said trampoline is banned for the rest of the week … i could probably think of better examples if i wasn't so darned exhausted and demoralised.
and like you, i struggle with the hasty edicts of an impatient Dad, who currently holds no sway with his children because he bawls at them constantly, and threatens punishments that he expects me to carry through, even when it is a major inconvenience to me.
my way back is to remind them, relentlessly, that watching tv is a privilege, going out for afternoon tea is a privilege, getting lifts to school is a privilege, canteen money is a privilege, sleepovers are a privilege … truly i sicken myself, and on some days i think i will break before them. i remind them their rights are to food, shelter, essential clothing, safety from harm and an education.
it is a relief to hear that others are in my boat, reassessing what is working and what is a deadend. let me know how you go … i hope i'll still be here. xt
Thank you for such an open response. I hate to think that others have to go through this knowing how frustrating and overwhelming it can be but I'm also glad it's not just us!
ReplyDeleteShe was beautiful on Sunday. I think she couldn't quite believe the impact she had on us. I don't think she realised that we get happiness from their birthday's as well until this one.
Sadly, she woke up in a foul mood this morning :(
I have implemented a roster system that requires 80% ticks throughout the week in order to get the ipod & Laptop for the weekend. It's a 12 week roster and if she gets 80% across the entire 12 weeks she can go back to drama lessons for Term 3.
Day 1 is looking like a cross. Tomorrow is a new day. I hope!