Well, it's been a long year and for a lot of it I have had this feeling that I have been shaking from the inside out. It turns out this has been anxiety related to what has likely been the worst career decision I have ever made. Today the shaking stopped and I have actually enjoyed myself. I have taken the puppy to the kids classes for news, I have been to the school carols concert and sung along with my youngest daughter and the rest of the audience and I have been out to dinner. Most importantly I made the decision that it is over! I didn't realise until today how bad things had gotten and I am disappointed that I have struggled so much without being self aware enough to know that I should have drawn the line long ago. I thought I was tough enough and that there was no way I would give in. Had I walked away in the beginning I wouldn't have been giving in, I would have been sending a clear message that I don't accept disrespectful or unethical behaviour. Instead I did give in by staying and putting up with it. Either way, the relief I have felt today in knowing this part of my career is over is nothing short of magical. There have been no drugs involved, not even alcohol. Just pure brain chemistry. I am confident that I will bounce back without medication and i have refused it to this point though that is only what is right for me right now. I am looking forward to Christmas to help me do that but today someone said these words to me and she was totally right- " if you don't feel yourself again in a few weeks, come back for help."
So at this often difficult time of year, if you are not feeling the relief and happiness I am then please heed those words and see your doctor.
I not have achieved any of the things I set out to this year but I can always try again next time, it's almost here after all! In the meantime, Merry Christmas everybody. Stuff yourselves, enjoy an expensive bottle of wine with friends and family while sharing the love!
Monday, 17 December 2012
Saturday, 29 September 2012
Time to call it quits...
Against my better judgement I spoke with my father today. I have quietly held out hope that my parents placed some value on their relationship with me, their first child & the 3 beautiful grand daughters I had given them. That at some point they would accept their part in our currently barely existent relationship, apologise & we'd move on.
Don't get me wrong. Born out of my anger I have said some nasty things to my parents these last 2 years. I'm sorry it has come to that & I've said this to them. They however continue to maintain that we can all say & do whatever to each other with never the need to apologise. I do not agree. I think family are exactly the people we need to treat best. With love, understanding & consideration.
So today in an effort to make things clear & simple I said that I would set aside all my issues except those most important to me. I then explained again to my father how all I had wanted for my children was the loving & engaged grandparents I had growing up. I told him that I felt exceptionally let down by the fact that in 10 years they had never offered to help me or to just spend time with the kids. That I had just been left to it from the minute I became a parent. I said I was grateful for the fact that they did help when I asked but wanted to know why I needed to be in dire need of help before I got any & why they couldn't see I needed help & offer. Why didn't they simply want to be with their grand children? My kids are sweet, funny, clever & great fun! I asked where they were after the birth of their first grand daughter as I waited 4 days to find out if she'd live or die. Dad said "your mother had to work & you had Stephen." Are they fucking kidding! When I think of the friends & family friends who traveled across Sydney to see my baby & support us yet my parents & sister were nowhere to be seen. Dad justified this by saying he would have sent my grandmother away were he in my place decades ago. A) She wouldn't have left no matter how much my mother dislikes her and B) That is a totally abnormal response!
They did the same at the birth of their other 2 premmie & unwell grand daughters and spent most of 7 years ignoring the kids on Saturdays in favour of doing the housework. "We have chores to do around the house on weekends" Great excuse but I work, have housework, make meals & still find the time for my kids- they're what it's all about aren't they? Dad's response "I'm very impressed you manage all that."
2 years ago my kids started complaining that they didn't get to do the things friends did with their grandparents. After enough of this I told my parents that rather me bring the kids over every weekend they could contact us when they wanted to see them. It was 2 months before we heard from them. Now they blame me- I was angry so they didn't want to bother me. WHAT?! My kids will never get the chance to walk away from me. I would be on their doorstep every day til it was sorted. In 2 years, when left to organise their own visits, they've seen their grand children 5 times. This I'm told today is also my fault- because I'm angry & make them feel uncomfortable when they visit. TOUGH SHIT! That's how my kids felt for 7 years visiting you- like they were in the way. Sucks, doesn't it!
So why am I so angry again? Well, today after discussing all of this I asked my father if he understood what birthdays mean to kids. He claims he does. I asked him why then did they call a day late for my eldest & then proceed to ask her when her birthday was. I saw her face at the time & she was crushed. They'd forgotten her. My middle daughter is an incredibly sensitive & loving child- there was no phone call & a card arrived over a week late. Disbelief! Another forgotten. Then they tell me why they didn't ring. They'd just returned from a rollicking good time in Hawaii & Mum was having a minor surgery that evening. They had however managed to travel across Sydney to visit other family but couldn't make a phone call on a special day to a supposedly special person. Let's say things had gone pear shaped in surgery, at least my daughters would have had that phone call- didn't occur to my parents.
It's my youngest daughters birthday next week which is why they're calling. I gave them a rev up after the last cock up so now they're going to get this one right & leave the other kids wondering what's wrong with them that their birthdays are so easily passed over.
Then to top things off my father makes totally unfounded and outrageous accusations and I snap. I've told them they can't see the kids. Something I have never done despite their skewed perception of our situation. So I've stooped to their level and I'm kicking myself. Really though I should have seen this coming sooner and as my father would say "called it quits".
My problem is that I struggle to reconcile their behaviour as parents and grandparents with what I see every day in other families. One example is watching all the baby showers for the plethora of pregnant ladies i know. Their mothers are so excitedly involved- not mine. The fact is that their every response is to let me go because it's easier for them and it always has been. How do I watch my kids realise they got dudded on grandparents? How do I reconcile that got dudded too? Maybe it's me with the skewed perception & unreal expectations? Is it really my fault? am i just supposed to accept whatever shit they pull & smile & nod? I wouldn't let anyone else get away with the crap they've pulled. why are they exempt? I just don't know anymore...I do know this can't continue & if I didn't have the kids I would have walked away long ago.
Don't get me wrong. Born out of my anger I have said some nasty things to my parents these last 2 years. I'm sorry it has come to that & I've said this to them. They however continue to maintain that we can all say & do whatever to each other with never the need to apologise. I do not agree. I think family are exactly the people we need to treat best. With love, understanding & consideration.
So today in an effort to make things clear & simple I said that I would set aside all my issues except those most important to me. I then explained again to my father how all I had wanted for my children was the loving & engaged grandparents I had growing up. I told him that I felt exceptionally let down by the fact that in 10 years they had never offered to help me or to just spend time with the kids. That I had just been left to it from the minute I became a parent. I said I was grateful for the fact that they did help when I asked but wanted to know why I needed to be in dire need of help before I got any & why they couldn't see I needed help & offer. Why didn't they simply want to be with their grand children? My kids are sweet, funny, clever & great fun! I asked where they were after the birth of their first grand daughter as I waited 4 days to find out if she'd live or die. Dad said "your mother had to work & you had Stephen." Are they fucking kidding! When I think of the friends & family friends who traveled across Sydney to see my baby & support us yet my parents & sister were nowhere to be seen. Dad justified this by saying he would have sent my grandmother away were he in my place decades ago. A) She wouldn't have left no matter how much my mother dislikes her and B) That is a totally abnormal response!
They did the same at the birth of their other 2 premmie & unwell grand daughters and spent most of 7 years ignoring the kids on Saturdays in favour of doing the housework. "We have chores to do around the house on weekends" Great excuse but I work, have housework, make meals & still find the time for my kids- they're what it's all about aren't they? Dad's response "I'm very impressed you manage all that."
2 years ago my kids started complaining that they didn't get to do the things friends did with their grandparents. After enough of this I told my parents that rather me bring the kids over every weekend they could contact us when they wanted to see them. It was 2 months before we heard from them. Now they blame me- I was angry so they didn't want to bother me. WHAT?! My kids will never get the chance to walk away from me. I would be on their doorstep every day til it was sorted. In 2 years, when left to organise their own visits, they've seen their grand children 5 times. This I'm told today is also my fault- because I'm angry & make them feel uncomfortable when they visit. TOUGH SHIT! That's how my kids felt for 7 years visiting you- like they were in the way. Sucks, doesn't it!
So why am I so angry again? Well, today after discussing all of this I asked my father if he understood what birthdays mean to kids. He claims he does. I asked him why then did they call a day late for my eldest & then proceed to ask her when her birthday was. I saw her face at the time & she was crushed. They'd forgotten her. My middle daughter is an incredibly sensitive & loving child- there was no phone call & a card arrived over a week late. Disbelief! Another forgotten. Then they tell me why they didn't ring. They'd just returned from a rollicking good time in Hawaii & Mum was having a minor surgery that evening. They had however managed to travel across Sydney to visit other family but couldn't make a phone call on a special day to a supposedly special person. Let's say things had gone pear shaped in surgery, at least my daughters would have had that phone call- didn't occur to my parents.
It's my youngest daughters birthday next week which is why they're calling. I gave them a rev up after the last cock up so now they're going to get this one right & leave the other kids wondering what's wrong with them that their birthdays are so easily passed over.
Then to top things off my father makes totally unfounded and outrageous accusations and I snap. I've told them they can't see the kids. Something I have never done despite their skewed perception of our situation. So I've stooped to their level and I'm kicking myself. Really though I should have seen this coming sooner and as my father would say "called it quits".
My problem is that I struggle to reconcile their behaviour as parents and grandparents with what I see every day in other families. One example is watching all the baby showers for the plethora of pregnant ladies i know. Their mothers are so excitedly involved- not mine. The fact is that their every response is to let me go because it's easier for them and it always has been. How do I watch my kids realise they got dudded on grandparents? How do I reconcile that got dudded too? Maybe it's me with the skewed perception & unreal expectations? Is it really my fault? am i just supposed to accept whatever shit they pull & smile & nod? I wouldn't let anyone else get away with the crap they've pulled. why are they exempt? I just don't know anymore...I do know this can't continue & if I didn't have the kids I would have walked away long ago.
Thursday, 9 August 2012
It's been a blast!
10 years ago The Husband and I made a formal arrangement to love each other and some other stuff we really can’t recall because we were too busy laughing and being silly about the celebrant who was marrying us at the registry office in Redfern. We presume it was the usual stuff and that she hasn’t made us promise to do weird and nasty shit to each other until we both die from exhaustion.
Anyhow, at the time my friend’s parents were separated and trying to work out where they had gone wrong after nearly 30 years. Her mother came to the wedding because she needed to feel good about marriage and she had known me for a long time. She gave us a wedding gift that we still have today. Her father dropped around to our house later to congratulate us and also gave us a wedding gift that we still have today. It is only now, with 10 years under my belt, that I have given those gifts any real thought and realised their poignancy.
Her mother gave us a crystal vase. Its markings are a clear pattern but the light reflects differently from every angle, much like a long term relationship. The people and behaviours that fall into patterns and are at times poorly reflected or interpreted differently by each participant in the relationship causing discord and miscommunication. Yet the vase does not break, it is deceptively strong.
Her father gave us 2 matching wine glasses, with which to sit, relax and reflect together to repair the damage of each challenge along the way. In the end, if we can’t hash it out and get back on track what hope have we got?
Not surprisingly, they got back together and remain so. How could it have gone any other way? They clearly had the wisdom, for they had just passed it on to us.
Today, celebrating 10 years of marriage I’d like to thank my husband for putting up with my shit for this long…and remind him that even though he’s no picnic sometimes he is still the person I get most excited to see. He makes me angrier and sadder, at times, than anyone I have ever met, while also making me happier and more confident than anyone else. Not to mention, I have never laughed harder in my life than at the things he says and does.
So, Cheers to another 10 years!
Anyhow, at the time my friend’s parents were separated and trying to work out where they had gone wrong after nearly 30 years. Her mother came to the wedding because she needed to feel good about marriage and she had known me for a long time. She gave us a wedding gift that we still have today. Her father dropped around to our house later to congratulate us and also gave us a wedding gift that we still have today. It is only now, with 10 years under my belt, that I have given those gifts any real thought and realised their poignancy.
Her mother gave us a crystal vase. Its markings are a clear pattern but the light reflects differently from every angle, much like a long term relationship. The people and behaviours that fall into patterns and are at times poorly reflected or interpreted differently by each participant in the relationship causing discord and miscommunication. Yet the vase does not break, it is deceptively strong.
Her father gave us 2 matching wine glasses, with which to sit, relax and reflect together to repair the damage of each challenge along the way. In the end, if we can’t hash it out and get back on track what hope have we got?
Not surprisingly, they got back together and remain so. How could it have gone any other way? They clearly had the wisdom, for they had just passed it on to us.
Today, celebrating 10 years of marriage I’d like to thank my husband for putting up with my shit for this long…and remind him that even though he’s no picnic sometimes he is still the person I get most excited to see. He makes me angrier and sadder, at times, than anyone I have ever met, while also making me happier and more confident than anyone else. Not to mention, I have never laughed harder in my life than at the things he says and does.
So, Cheers to another 10 years!
Saturday, 12 May 2012
Mothers Day
I recently heard about the Red String Theory which basically says that you are attached from Day 1 by an invisible red string to everyone who you will connect with during your life.
I know cats aren't people but the recent return to my life of my beloved Sydney, brief though it was makes me believe that we are all connected somehow to each other in the universe for better or worse. Though that particular experience turned out worse, in some ways it was better giving Sydney a few final moments of love that I know he had been craving & letting us say the goodbye we never had.
Sydney was the first gift of life that the Husband gave to me very early in our relationship, when we first started sharing a home. Really, he was the beginning of our family. He was such a tiny kitten and used to reverse up between our pillows at night when we all went to bed. He very quickly grew into a strong black sleek animal who loved stalking as much as cuddling.
He certainly affected our lives and we knew he would from the moment we saw him...much the way I felt about the Husband.
If ever there was a person I was meant to find, it was him. I have been able to be more myself with him than anyone I've ever known and much as he frustrates me at times I wouldn't trade him for the world. He has given me my life, such as it is.
Then there are the children who daily amaze, me, make me laugh hysterically and make me want to snap them in two! We have gone to a lot of effort to teach our children that we take care of each other. That despite the "I hate you"s screamed at each other in anger they are in fact each others best friends. That if anything ever happens to them we will help them first and get angry later so they should always come to us for help.
Well, this week I needed my children and they came in to bat for me with a stellar performance. I am choosing to believe that my children were meant to make a mark on all the people seeking medical assistance at Wyoming Medical and Dental Centre this Saturday.
I'll start at the beginning because I did say I was going to have rant ;)
I have been running out of the Pill and didn't have another prescription so I have been hunting around for a Dr that bulk bills. Now this a rare breed on the NSW Central Coast. We have a lot of pensioners up here and so apparently everyone else can go to buggery. Finally I found Wyoming M & D Centre, open 7am -10pm, bulk billing all who seek assistance. Wyoming is 40 mins away. On Friday morning I got up at some ridiculous hour and went down there before work. I arrived at 7.02am.
Now I knew I had fucked up and there would be other people there before me, 16 of them in fact. What made me lose my shit was 2 separate but significant issues.
1)At 7am, 1 doctor came onto duty and no others until 8am. What fucking good is this to a room full of people who need to get to work. I asked how long she thought it would be til I saw a doctor. At least 8am she says to me. At this point I starting giving her a gobful to effect of my points made to you then I added point 2...
2) What the fuck are all these pensioners doing here at 7am?! Are they rushing off to earn an income? Is there actually anything wrong with them or are they just lonely and need a chat? Give me my prescription and I'll sit and fucking chat with them til 8am when I have to go and earn a living that will be taxed to pay their fucking pensions so how about a sign that says " NO PENSIONERS UNTIL 9AM"? I'M CONFIDENT THE HOURS OF YOUR CENTRE ARE TO ASSIST PEOPLE LIKE ME, NOT THOSE THAT HAVE ALL DAY TO GARDEN!
Anyway, needless to say I didn't see a Dr Friday morning, I went to work and had to get my kids up and the crack of dawn Saturday morning to get down there 30 mins before opening. I treated the kids to brekky along the way and we got there 20 mins before opening to be the 13th patient in line!
This is when my kids swung into action. While waiting in line they rehearsed choir numbers from school while others tried to read the paper. First thing on Saturday, they have 2 doctors. 2 doctors started working their way through the list while my kids continued the good work.
They laughed and shouted and played wonderfully. They rolled around on the floor, they squeezed themselves between rows of chairs where other people sat. No bother to me, very annoying to others. Then one hurt another and they started to fight, loudly and then the icing on the cake. One of them spills their OJ on the floor and announces to a teen about vomit that "it looks like really slimy vomit on that carpet" - Is that my name? Get your stuff kids, good job! We're in!
My kids have been loud in public before but it never got me better or faster service -letting my kids run wild to jump the queue here worked a treat. Mind you the vomit bit was a place they'd never gone before and I bet each of those people went home and told someone about!
Well done, girls. I'm very glad that children as impressive as you in the myriad of ways that you are amazing call me Mum. I am very proud of the things you achieve on a daily basis and actually quite impressed with your tempered behaviour yesterday morning. You displayed some serious teamwork. It was just enough to tick people off a little but maintained a childish innocence rather than being just plain obnoxious. There was a definite skill there and while I was impressed, I'm reasonably sure those people were madly trying to cut that red string!
So Happy Mothers Day, ladies! May you have children as equally inspiring, talented and useful as I do and may your red string be mostly tied to wonderful people!
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
My Best Friend
Ok so I know most people, myself included say "my husband/wife is my best friend". He is...one of them. My husband knows a lot of things about me that only 1 other person knows - my best friend. I have a few very close friends that I've had for almost as long but only Mel can really retain the Teen Title of Best Friend!
Mel (no one calls her that anymore except those of us who've been around many years) is my oldest friend and easily knows as much as my husband about me. We were fast friends when we met and have been friends for almost 20 years. We have laughed, cried, kept each others secrets and grown up together. Mel was there when I got married, at my kid's first birthdays, and introduced me to Poi's. She has been more a sister than a friend and I am both proud of our friendship and her as a person.
My Mel is funny, sweet, comforting, creative and about the smartest person I knew for much of my life - I wished I was more like her through our teen years.
It was my birthday recently and Mel took me on a little trip down memory lane, reminding of all the stuff we have done together and of what a great friend she has been over the years though I do wish we still saw each other more often. As grow ups our families and jobs take priority but we always include each other in the big stuff.
So today was Mel's birthday but I started a new job yesterday and have been caught up in my own work & moving drama the last week and didn't organise even a card in time. So this afternoon as I drove home I tried to figure out how I could give Mel something special, on time. So this is it. A message to my friend to tell her how much she means to me and that on her birthday I was thinking of her and appreciating all she has brought to my world for so many years now. I hope I have contributed half as much to hers.
Happy Birthday Melanie. I love that we have so many memories, most them of being utterly ridiculous and of laughing until we were sore. Thank you for being my friend. I look forward to celebrating at least another 40 or so with you.
Love Always,
T xo
Mel (no one calls her that anymore except those of us who've been around many years) is my oldest friend and easily knows as much as my husband about me. We were fast friends when we met and have been friends for almost 20 years. We have laughed, cried, kept each others secrets and grown up together. Mel was there when I got married, at my kid's first birthdays, and introduced me to Poi's. She has been more a sister than a friend and I am both proud of our friendship and her as a person.
My Mel is funny, sweet, comforting, creative and about the smartest person I knew for much of my life - I wished I was more like her through our teen years.
It was my birthday recently and Mel took me on a little trip down memory lane, reminding of all the stuff we have done together and of what a great friend she has been over the years though I do wish we still saw each other more often. As grow ups our families and jobs take priority but we always include each other in the big stuff.
So today was Mel's birthday but I started a new job yesterday and have been caught up in my own work & moving drama the last week and didn't organise even a card in time. So this afternoon as I drove home I tried to figure out how I could give Mel something special, on time. So this is it. A message to my friend to tell her how much she means to me and that on her birthday I was thinking of her and appreciating all she has brought to my world for so many years now. I hope I have contributed half as much to hers.
Happy Birthday Melanie. I love that we have so many memories, most them of being utterly ridiculous and of laughing until we were sore. Thank you for being my friend. I look forward to celebrating at least another 40 or so with you.
Love Always,
T xo
Saturday, 24 March 2012
I've ruined my daughter
So after a great Christmas/New Year and a killer Australia Day there was no improvement in employment for the Husband and shit went down hill fast. I attribute the lack of posts to the stress and general unhappiness of barely being able to feed your kids. Though many may dramatise there have been more than a few days where Husband and I have gone without food to make sure the rations last til pay day.
So payment arrangements were made and a few payments missed but we'll catch up eventually.
Importantly, it was my eldest daughters birthday today and we needed to have money for gifts and cake and a very small (read cheap) celebration with her BFF's.
This is the child who was born so early they let me hold her at birth because they didn't think she'd make it and I would cope better having held her. The child who we waited 4 days to hear she would live. The child I didn't hold again for 8 days and who didn't come home until she could prove she could kickstart her own breathing response when she just stopped breathing. The child who has argued and bullied and complained about everything to the point where the Husband just wants to give up and blame me and to the point where I see now it is my fault and I don't know how or if I can change her.
My eldest daughter was born in the height of the 'reason, don't smack' revolution. My eldest daughter is very intelligent but children can't reason. By the time I had learned this I had already spawned a argument machine. She wanted a reason for everything. The fact that I say so is not good enough when frankly we all know it bloody well should be. To make matters worse I am a teacher and I see this crap all the time but didn't recognise where it was headed in my own child. In short, I have ruined her because now she doesn't know when to argue her point and when to just shut and follow instructions. It could literally get her killed. Imagine we're standing by a busy road, we go to cross but a car comes screaming around the corner and I yell "STOP!". Her response would be to ask me why, argue or ignore me when it should be to just fucking stop because I SAID SO!
So back to my point.
We have no money, it's her birthday and I have scrounged together enough money to buy a few presents (totalling $46) and to take her and 2 friends to a $5 brunch and a $6 movie and all she has done is complain that her birthday hasn't been good enough. That we haven't done enough and then she loses her shit with her father while they are preparing for a night fishing trip (something else she has been busting to do that we are doing for her birthday) and it's all over. She's in her room, he's given up and were there not other kids looking forward to tomorrow there'd be no movie either.
The Husband and I have questioned whether she is beyond any behaviour norms for her age, we have made excuses about hunger and tiredness, we have identified each others traits in her in the blame game but it all amounts to nought.
She is a rude, bad tempered, ingrate who's gotten away with being such for too long.
We held out on letting her go to Girl Guide Camp until the very last minute and I 'traded' consequences so she could go but the Husband was right. We should have stuck to the 'No Camp' consequence.
So this time, she was sent to her room so we could discuss punishment/consequences before the Husband leapt to something we couldn't follow through on.
The plan is to take every privilege away and she will have to earn it back through behaviour change -some short term, some long term.
So here's the deal:
No iPod(possible limited weekend use dependant upon behaviour)
No laptop (except school work for 2 weeks)
No TV show preferences(to be reassessed after 2 weeks)
No game choice with the siblings (for 1 month -she uses games to bully them)
No Drama lessons for at least 1 term. (she can go back when we see some real behaviour change).
She will live and suffer by 3 rules which have somehow been misunderstood or left out:
Follow instructions
No complaints/arguments
Be nice
So let's see if we can fix her. I've always known our downfall was inconsistency but this has reached all new levels of hard to live with.
Feel free to join me if your kid has hit Super Brat levels. The philosophy is KISS, Old Skool!
Simple rules and earning privilege.
Starting....NOW!
...and yes, you can come out of your room now ;)
So payment arrangements were made and a few payments missed but we'll catch up eventually.
Importantly, it was my eldest daughters birthday today and we needed to have money for gifts and cake and a very small (read cheap) celebration with her BFF's.
This is the child who was born so early they let me hold her at birth because they didn't think she'd make it and I would cope better having held her. The child who we waited 4 days to hear she would live. The child I didn't hold again for 8 days and who didn't come home until she could prove she could kickstart her own breathing response when she just stopped breathing. The child who has argued and bullied and complained about everything to the point where the Husband just wants to give up and blame me and to the point where I see now it is my fault and I don't know how or if I can change her.
My eldest daughter was born in the height of the 'reason, don't smack' revolution. My eldest daughter is very intelligent but children can't reason. By the time I had learned this I had already spawned a argument machine. She wanted a reason for everything. The fact that I say so is not good enough when frankly we all know it bloody well should be. To make matters worse I am a teacher and I see this crap all the time but didn't recognise where it was headed in my own child. In short, I have ruined her because now she doesn't know when to argue her point and when to just shut and follow instructions. It could literally get her killed. Imagine we're standing by a busy road, we go to cross but a car comes screaming around the corner and I yell "STOP!". Her response would be to ask me why, argue or ignore me when it should be to just fucking stop because I SAID SO!
So back to my point.
We have no money, it's her birthday and I have scrounged together enough money to buy a few presents (totalling $46) and to take her and 2 friends to a $5 brunch and a $6 movie and all she has done is complain that her birthday hasn't been good enough. That we haven't done enough and then she loses her shit with her father while they are preparing for a night fishing trip (something else she has been busting to do that we are doing for her birthday) and it's all over. She's in her room, he's given up and were there not other kids looking forward to tomorrow there'd be no movie either.
The Husband and I have questioned whether she is beyond any behaviour norms for her age, we have made excuses about hunger and tiredness, we have identified each others traits in her in the blame game but it all amounts to nought.
She is a rude, bad tempered, ingrate who's gotten away with being such for too long.
We held out on letting her go to Girl Guide Camp until the very last minute and I 'traded' consequences so she could go but the Husband was right. We should have stuck to the 'No Camp' consequence.
So this time, she was sent to her room so we could discuss punishment/consequences before the Husband leapt to something we couldn't follow through on.
The plan is to take every privilege away and she will have to earn it back through behaviour change -some short term, some long term.
So here's the deal:
No iPod(possible limited weekend use dependant upon behaviour)
No laptop (except school work for 2 weeks)
No TV show preferences(to be reassessed after 2 weeks)
No game choice with the siblings (for 1 month -she uses games to bully them)
No Drama lessons for at least 1 term. (she can go back when we see some real behaviour change).
She will live and suffer by 3 rules which have somehow been misunderstood or left out:
Follow instructions
No complaints/arguments
Be nice
So let's see if we can fix her. I've always known our downfall was inconsistency but this has reached all new levels of hard to live with.
Feel free to join me if your kid has hit Super Brat levels. The philosophy is KISS, Old Skool!
Simple rules and earning privilege.
Starting....NOW!
...and yes, you can come out of your room now ;)
Saturday, 14 January 2012
My turn to whinge.
What the fuck is it with kids and bed time?!
I get that sleep is the most boring part of what is often an adventure filled day. But seriously, it happens every night. How many years do we have to go through this until they give in to the inevitability of night?
Tonight we were doubly stupid on the kids and evening front. It all started watching The Hogfather on ABC1 last Saturday. They loved it. Sat enthralled after dinner and begged to watch Part 2 this week.
So we arrive at tonight.
I fed them...they even got dessert (The Husband's job). To start I would like to give credit where credit's due. The 8 year old watched with little fuss except to participate in the obligatory competition (read screaming match mid movie) over who is cuddling Mum the most. I know they won't always fight over such trivialities as their mothers affections but I really wish they would just get on board with my rotating roster system so everyone could enjoy a cuddle with Mummy!*
My 4 year old who is actually pretty good at movies totally dropped the ball tonight. She literally rolled around the lounge and living room while eating grapes the entire 90 minutes. I don't know about you but this can be somewhat distracting and as a new Terry Pratchet reader^ I actually wanted to see this movie.
Miss 6? Well, she was ok but she's so quiet and easily pleased that I always feel guilty I'm doing enough for her - did she get enough cuddles during the movie? Who knows! Until she has a total meltdown because she is being bullied by her sisters next time they are making some play or movie and she screams at me "YOU DIDN'T CUDDLE ME ENOUGH ON JANUARY 14TH DURING THE MOVIE!" You think I'm kidding but that shit could happen with her. She forgets nothing -EVER! She recalls stuff from when she was much younger than the other 2.
Then there is the game of Hide & Seek that the cat and dog played around the ottoman. I wish I had filmed it.
So to summarise, apparently tonight was not a good night for a movie but last Saturday was. I can't recall last Saturday but that is mainly because it was pretty much the same as this Saturday. The movie held the attention of Miss 8 much the same as last week so I'm determining the movie was not the problem. Oddly though, last Saturday was the full moon...draw your own conclusions on that...
On to bedtime.
Movie over, it's 9 pm. Kids have had a good day of playing and they are tired but here we go again.
I'm not tired (You never are)
I need to sleep with you (I want to sleep with your father)
I need to sleep with someone (Lay quietly and the cat will warm your feet or the dog will snuggle with you -oh the choices!)
My mattress isn't comfortable (Nice try, it's brand new)
I need a drink of water (Classic)
I'm just going to the toilet (Good Idea, hurry up)
I gotta tell you something (Uh, huh)
I'm itchy (Allow me to give you some antihistamines, bwahahaha!)
I can't get to sleep (Go the fuck to sleep!)
And anything else they come up with...some nights are quite impressive. Tonight it has taken 3 rounds of me chasing them into bed before we have settled into something near sleep. Those 3 rounds have taken more than an hour and comprised the resolution of all of the above complaints.
I see the humour in the bedtime dance` but the only thing that seems to finalise each evening is me having to put on this faux anger and they are all asleep within literally minutes. I hate it. It leaves me feeling awful. The last thing they hear and see before they toddle off to dream land is an angry mummy. Who wants that? Certainly not me but at some point they have to sleep, the time comes for it all to be over or their little bodies can't handle the adventures of the next day. So I play my role in their performance and hope that there is only a few more years left. Miss 8 has accepted bedtime so that should mean that it's another 4 years before they are all nicely wandering off to bed for a quiet read without argument before blissful rest.
I would appreciate it if no one destroyed this hope of mine with their own experiences. We all need something to cling to and mine is one less struggle each day with 3 young girls.
Feel free to tell me how to get them to bed easily if you have worked it out though.
Someone pour me a drink -mine got warm...
* Is it weird I have a rotating cuddle schedule?
^ I am still actually working up to reading anything but I have had significant exposure to make me want to read him, if I can find a copy of one of his books that The Husband hasn't literally read the cover off.
`Some nights The Husband and I are actually doubled over in laughter between trips up the hallway!
I get that sleep is the most boring part of what is often an adventure filled day. But seriously, it happens every night. How many years do we have to go through this until they give in to the inevitability of night?
Tonight we were doubly stupid on the kids and evening front. It all started watching The Hogfather on ABC1 last Saturday. They loved it. Sat enthralled after dinner and begged to watch Part 2 this week.
So we arrive at tonight.
I fed them...they even got dessert (The Husband's job). To start I would like to give credit where credit's due. The 8 year old watched with little fuss except to participate in the obligatory competition (read screaming match mid movie) over who is cuddling Mum the most. I know they won't always fight over such trivialities as their mothers affections but I really wish they would just get on board with my rotating roster system so everyone could enjoy a cuddle with Mummy!*
My 4 year old who is actually pretty good at movies totally dropped the ball tonight. She literally rolled around the lounge and living room while eating grapes the entire 90 minutes. I don't know about you but this can be somewhat distracting and as a new Terry Pratchet reader^ I actually wanted to see this movie.
Miss 6? Well, she was ok but she's so quiet and easily pleased that I always feel guilty I'm doing enough for her - did she get enough cuddles during the movie? Who knows! Until she has a total meltdown because she is being bullied by her sisters next time they are making some play or movie and she screams at me "YOU DIDN'T CUDDLE ME ENOUGH ON JANUARY 14TH DURING THE MOVIE!" You think I'm kidding but that shit could happen with her. She forgets nothing -EVER! She recalls stuff from when she was much younger than the other 2.
Then there is the game of Hide & Seek that the cat and dog played around the ottoman. I wish I had filmed it.
So to summarise, apparently tonight was not a good night for a movie but last Saturday was. I can't recall last Saturday but that is mainly because it was pretty much the same as this Saturday. The movie held the attention of Miss 8 much the same as last week so I'm determining the movie was not the problem. Oddly though, last Saturday was the full moon...draw your own conclusions on that...
On to bedtime.
Movie over, it's 9 pm. Kids have had a good day of playing and they are tired but here we go again.
I'm not tired (You never are)
I need to sleep with you (I want to sleep with your father)
I need to sleep with someone (Lay quietly and the cat will warm your feet or the dog will snuggle with you -oh the choices!)
My mattress isn't comfortable (Nice try, it's brand new)
I need a drink of water (Classic)
I'm just going to the toilet (Good Idea, hurry up)
I gotta tell you something (Uh, huh)
I'm itchy (Allow me to give you some antihistamines, bwahahaha!)
I can't get to sleep (Go the fuck to sleep!)
And anything else they come up with...some nights are quite impressive. Tonight it has taken 3 rounds of me chasing them into bed before we have settled into something near sleep. Those 3 rounds have taken more than an hour and comprised the resolution of all of the above complaints.
I see the humour in the bedtime dance` but the only thing that seems to finalise each evening is me having to put on this faux anger and they are all asleep within literally minutes. I hate it. It leaves me feeling awful. The last thing they hear and see before they toddle off to dream land is an angry mummy. Who wants that? Certainly not me but at some point they have to sleep, the time comes for it all to be over or their little bodies can't handle the adventures of the next day. So I play my role in their performance and hope that there is only a few more years left. Miss 8 has accepted bedtime so that should mean that it's another 4 years before they are all nicely wandering off to bed for a quiet read without argument before blissful rest.
I would appreciate it if no one destroyed this hope of mine with their own experiences. We all need something to cling to and mine is one less struggle each day with 3 young girls.
Feel free to tell me how to get them to bed easily if you have worked it out though.
Someone pour me a drink -mine got warm...
* Is it weird I have a rotating cuddle schedule?
^ I am still actually working up to reading anything but I have had significant exposure to make me want to read him, if I can find a copy of one of his books that The Husband hasn't literally read the cover off.
`Some nights The Husband and I are actually doubled over in laughter between trips up the hallway!
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