Many of you know I have been living away from The Husband and kids in order to get back into a full time, permanent job. To say it has gone well is well overstating things, to the point that surviving another year like this is highly unlikely.
Today I was handed a glimpse of my future and it holds none of the things I had hoped for in my life.
I had hoped to be able to do something other than worry about fucking money with my life but it is not to be. I am usually an eternal optimist who can find the positive side of anything. Today I am struggling and the best I can come up with that tomorrow is a new day. Unfortunately, though that may be true, it won't change my circumstances in any way.
For the last few years I have tried to get work on the coast where my family enjoy their life. I have been unsuccessful to the point of no return and took a position in Sydney just to have a job and a reliable income again. It couldn't have been further from home as far as Sydney goes but we made arrangements and we began the 'living away from home' saga that has been 2015.
A little while ago I applied for a job in the middle of nowhere so that we could be together, get ahead a little financially and I would have a job on the coast at the end of it all. In 21 years of working and job interviews, for the first time, I did not get the job. Despite the personal blow to my ego there are ramifications for my family life that I had hoped to avoid. Moving them back to Sydney for no real gain, more expensive living and no more income and the reality of the following facts:
We will never own a home.
We will never earn enough money to save any money for anything.
We will never travel to the places I have dreamed of since I was a child - it's possible this one hurts the most despite the impractical nature of it. Dreams crushed and all that.
When my children are grown and I have a small window to gather some cash, life is likely to be so expensive that I will in fact be gathering money to give to them so they can get the leg up I have not had access to.
I may be lucky to have enough superannuation when I retire to live but I won't have a home to live in or sell for a smaller property.
I will be forever relying on landlords for a roof over my kids heads and I have no one to blame but myself.
Here is the real irony of it all. When I was at high school no one told me about what I could do with my future, what I needed to do at school to achieve it, where I might have been going wrong? No one. I blew it. I hated school. There was nothing there for me and I had no plan or goal for the future therefore nothing to work towards. I jigged a bit, I drank, I smoked pot, I didn't give the future a thought and now I'm here, unable to earn enough money to support my family and trapped under a motherfucking glass ceiling I seem eternally unable to break through. So everyday I go to work and advise people about their futures while having no control over my own and having arrived here because I had no better idea of where to go.
Today there was a moment where optimism tried to die in me. I thought for a while it had.
I am sad and I feel defeated. I see no way out and no way up...at the moment.
Tomorrow is another day and no one else will end up here on my watch.
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