I couldn't disappoint everyone who doesn't read my blog so true to tradition since I began this thing, here is the NYE post.
This year has truly been a hard slog through the ups and downs of life. I hadn't given much thought to FIFO workers but having been one this year I now know it sucks and you deserve every penny for being away from not just your family but your lives.
This year I have spent 4 nights a week living with my elderly grandmother in Southern Sydney in order to work full time in a job in South Western Sydney. My job has not paid me the bucks miners earn but I seem to have managed to get back in the swing and despite a big disappointment I have a lot to be thankful for, including the return to a regular full time income.
This year I missed my eldest daughters first year of high school including her first period, my middle daughters everything because she has distanced herself from me so she doesn't miss me while I'm gone and my youngest daughters loving tenderness which she makes up for when I am home with thoughtful gestures and PDAs. I missed The Husband doing his best to be me for the kids. What did they miss - me and they shouldn't have had to. I powered through the year loving my job and making it my consolation prize. That's how I coped, finding the positive thing in my life and hanging on. How did they make it through? Just barely white knuckling it into each holiday period and particularly the Christmas holidays with huge relief.
This year I have listened to people tell me what a great job I'm doing at work. I have listened to my Grandmother tell me how much she misses me when I'm gone and what she needs me to do for her. I have listened to The Husband and kids tribulations each week while I am gone. It took until Term 3 to realise I was feeling quite alone and lonely, floating through a life that left me little time for my 4 people let alone any other people we may want in our lives. As a result we have seen very few people this year. It was around this time that I got the shits with the fact that everyone in my life seemed so worried about themselves and how they were coping with or without me but no one seemed to interested in how I was coping. This year 4 people have asked me how I am managing being away from home so much. Distraction and a brave face.
Just as I was starting to not cope very well at all (and wound up in hospital for 5 days) The Red Centre Circus Train was getting ready to pull out. That trip pulled us through so much of this year on so many levels, it was an absolute highlight and something we will always treasure and remember.
This year we have seen people who had a loved one pass away, who made the effort to turn up on our doorstep or who live down the bike path and travelled half the country with us! This year has been just too hard for some of our friends but thankfully most of you have made it through and some of you have even excelled yourself and made feel wonderful through your love and kindness when you turned up to celebrate Christmas with us even though we tried to cancel it. Lesson learned - The Callaghan Christmas lives on. Highlight number 2, thank you to everyone involved in The Ambush xx We love Christmas in our house and celebrating took on even more significance this year.
In 2015 I have experienced more death than in my life to date. The first of my friends parents passed away leaving me wondering what it will be like when my mother is gone. My nephews father passed away unexpectedly and I learned that funerals are for the people left behind but that one was heartbreaking. Even though I haven't been a close part of his life for a while, I was when he was little and all I could see was a little boy and his last farewell. A friend lost an uncle whose friends were more like family to him and I wondered what my own funeral would look like. Another friend and her 3 children lost their Husband and Father and I recognised in them something I don't want to live through for quite a while yet. Then before Christmas my cousin passed away and tomorrow is her funeral. Goodbye to someone I grew up with. A first for me. The end of the year. The end.
That can't be the end though because we all begin again Friday morning. Into a new year, new hopes, new goals, new directions.
So in 2016 I am continuing to cross my fingers for a job closer to home while saving money to move my family closer to my job should it come to that. I am telling you all to get your shit together because I'm done with funerals for a while. It is my understanding that the Red Centre Circus Train will be morphing into the Sugar Cane Express or similar for another family adventure and The Callaghan Christmas will roll around again in the blink of an eye!
There have been some disappointments and sadness in 2015 but some fantastics high points too. I am looking forward to 2016 being a little more heavy on the Ups than the Downs and I hope it's that way for you and your loved ones too.
Celebrate carefully and have a Happy New Year!
PS. I know it's only the 30th but I won't be home tomorrow to write or publish. After my goodbyes, I'm off to say hello to some people I haven't seen in ages and ring in the new year with 4 of my favourite people, a buttload of fireworks and recovery breakfast champagne slushies apparently!
Wednesday, 30 December 2015
Thursday, 3 December 2015
A little reminder
After my meltdown this week, which thankfully is a rarity, In fact, a first. I have had some reminders.
Dinner out with some very old and dear friends to remind me that, despite appearances, we are all up against it in one way or another but as long we support each other we'll be ok.
Some conversations with my Little Ladies to remind me that I am loved no matter what and when I need a cry or a cuddle I have 3 little people, who are getting bigger every day, to cuddle and make me smile.
Tonight, the Year 12 formal and a fun night with new friends to remind me that life is full of hope and possibility even though I can't always control the form in which it comes.
So even though I took a hit that was a bigger blow than I expected it to be, it's not the end of the world. We'll be ok because The Husband, Ladies and I have got a pretty cool crew and (because there'll be a lounge room dance party this weekend) we are all in this together!
Dinner out with some very old and dear friends to remind me that, despite appearances, we are all up against it in one way or another but as long we support each other we'll be ok.
Some conversations with my Little Ladies to remind me that I am loved no matter what and when I need a cry or a cuddle I have 3 little people, who are getting bigger every day, to cuddle and make me smile.
Tonight, the Year 12 formal and a fun night with new friends to remind me that life is full of hope and possibility even though I can't always control the form in which it comes.
So even though I took a hit that was a bigger blow than I expected it to be, it's not the end of the world. We'll be ok because The Husband, Ladies and I have got a pretty cool crew and (because there'll be a lounge room dance party this weekend) we are all in this together!
Monday, 30 November 2015
The death of optimism
Many of you know I have been living away from The Husband and kids in order to get back into a full time, permanent job. To say it has gone well is well overstating things, to the point that surviving another year like this is highly unlikely.
Today I was handed a glimpse of my future and it holds none of the things I had hoped for in my life.
I had hoped to be able to do something other than worry about fucking money with my life but it is not to be. I am usually an eternal optimist who can find the positive side of anything. Today I am struggling and the best I can come up with that tomorrow is a new day. Unfortunately, though that may be true, it won't change my circumstances in any way.
For the last few years I have tried to get work on the coast where my family enjoy their life. I have been unsuccessful to the point of no return and took a position in Sydney just to have a job and a reliable income again. It couldn't have been further from home as far as Sydney goes but we made arrangements and we began the 'living away from home' saga that has been 2015.
A little while ago I applied for a job in the middle of nowhere so that we could be together, get ahead a little financially and I would have a job on the coast at the end of it all. In 21 years of working and job interviews, for the first time, I did not get the job. Despite the personal blow to my ego there are ramifications for my family life that I had hoped to avoid. Moving them back to Sydney for no real gain, more expensive living and no more income and the reality of the following facts:
We will never own a home.
We will never earn enough money to save any money for anything.
We will never travel to the places I have dreamed of since I was a child - it's possible this one hurts the most despite the impractical nature of it. Dreams crushed and all that.
When my children are grown and I have a small window to gather some cash, life is likely to be so expensive that I will in fact be gathering money to give to them so they can get the leg up I have not had access to.
I may be lucky to have enough superannuation when I retire to live but I won't have a home to live in or sell for a smaller property.
I will be forever relying on landlords for a roof over my kids heads and I have no one to blame but myself.
Here is the real irony of it all. When I was at high school no one told me about what I could do with my future, what I needed to do at school to achieve it, where I might have been going wrong? No one. I blew it. I hated school. There was nothing there for me and I had no plan or goal for the future therefore nothing to work towards. I jigged a bit, I drank, I smoked pot, I didn't give the future a thought and now I'm here, unable to earn enough money to support my family and trapped under a motherfucking glass ceiling I seem eternally unable to break through. So everyday I go to work and advise people about their futures while having no control over my own and having arrived here because I had no better idea of where to go.
Today there was a moment where optimism tried to die in me. I thought for a while it had.
I am sad and I feel defeated. I see no way out and no way up...at the moment.
Tomorrow is another day and no one else will end up here on my watch.
Today I was handed a glimpse of my future and it holds none of the things I had hoped for in my life.
I had hoped to be able to do something other than worry about fucking money with my life but it is not to be. I am usually an eternal optimist who can find the positive side of anything. Today I am struggling and the best I can come up with that tomorrow is a new day. Unfortunately, though that may be true, it won't change my circumstances in any way.
For the last few years I have tried to get work on the coast where my family enjoy their life. I have been unsuccessful to the point of no return and took a position in Sydney just to have a job and a reliable income again. It couldn't have been further from home as far as Sydney goes but we made arrangements and we began the 'living away from home' saga that has been 2015.
A little while ago I applied for a job in the middle of nowhere so that we could be together, get ahead a little financially and I would have a job on the coast at the end of it all. In 21 years of working and job interviews, for the first time, I did not get the job. Despite the personal blow to my ego there are ramifications for my family life that I had hoped to avoid. Moving them back to Sydney for no real gain, more expensive living and no more income and the reality of the following facts:
We will never own a home.
We will never earn enough money to save any money for anything.
We will never travel to the places I have dreamed of since I was a child - it's possible this one hurts the most despite the impractical nature of it. Dreams crushed and all that.
When my children are grown and I have a small window to gather some cash, life is likely to be so expensive that I will in fact be gathering money to give to them so they can get the leg up I have not had access to.
I may be lucky to have enough superannuation when I retire to live but I won't have a home to live in or sell for a smaller property.
I will be forever relying on landlords for a roof over my kids heads and I have no one to blame but myself.
Here is the real irony of it all. When I was at high school no one told me about what I could do with my future, what I needed to do at school to achieve it, where I might have been going wrong? No one. I blew it. I hated school. There was nothing there for me and I had no plan or goal for the future therefore nothing to work towards. I jigged a bit, I drank, I smoked pot, I didn't give the future a thought and now I'm here, unable to earn enough money to support my family and trapped under a motherfucking glass ceiling I seem eternally unable to break through. So everyday I go to work and advise people about their futures while having no control over my own and having arrived here because I had no better idea of where to go.
Today there was a moment where optimism tried to die in me. I thought for a while it had.
I am sad and I feel defeated. I see no way out and no way up...at the moment.
Tomorrow is another day and no one else will end up here on my watch.
Saturday, 22 August 2015
The Year of Living Away
Many things have transpired since I was last here. Many things to the point of a few jobs and spending 7 months living away from home while working in Sydney again.
It's nice to finally be back in a job I love and in a workplace that is friendly and supportive. If I could get both sides of my life together, wouldn't life be fantastic!
Things don't always go to plan though and so I work separately to enjoying my family because my family enjoy the life they have and are very settled as they are so we will keep plodding along like this for as long as it works.
Reading through my last couple of posts I am taken back to reflect on how bad things seemed in recent years, to remember some very unpleasant and life changing situations. I am shown how much things have improved for us all in 2015, even if we might be living a little unconventionally and missing each other a bit. No different really to many FIFO families and maybe a little absence will do us all a favour...
It has certainly pushed us to do something very memorable with 2015 and we are all looking forward to our much publicised trip to Uluru.
Leaving September 17th, the countdown is officially on - 26 days!
If you are inclined you can follow to organisation and adventure, plus bunch of other stuff at www.2fbs.com.au
It's nice to finally be back in a job I love and in a workplace that is friendly and supportive. If I could get both sides of my life together, wouldn't life be fantastic!
Things don't always go to plan though and so I work separately to enjoying my family because my family enjoy the life they have and are very settled as they are so we will keep plodding along like this for as long as it works.
Reading through my last couple of posts I am taken back to reflect on how bad things seemed in recent years, to remember some very unpleasant and life changing situations. I am shown how much things have improved for us all in 2015, even if we might be living a little unconventionally and missing each other a bit. No different really to many FIFO families and maybe a little absence will do us all a favour...
It has certainly pushed us to do something very memorable with 2015 and we are all looking forward to our much publicised trip to Uluru.
Leaving September 17th, the countdown is officially on - 26 days!
If you are inclined you can follow to organisation and adventure, plus bunch of other stuff at www.2fbs.com.au
Monday, 30 December 2013
2013 becomes 2014.
Wow! Talk about been a while.
I have often thought of blogging this year but for a number of reasons have stayed away. In 2013 I have struggled with the potential destruction of my career by my own hand, I have struggled to be a different parent to the one I have been for many years and I have struggled to be a decent, let alone good, partner to The Husband and I have felt very bogged down in the nations politics, feeling like I don't fit in with my own peers as I watch so many support a party that is systematically destroying everything we identify as "Australian."
So I have stayed away as I believed my posts would be very depressing for all involved. In 2013 I have been consumed with myself and my feelings of confusion and desperation.
Before you get too concerned, 2013 has turned around dramatically!
Despite worrying about my career prospects I had a job this year that made me very happy. While I didn't necessarily agree with the management policies and actions I loved my day to day and the people I spent those days with. They went a long way to towards distracting me from my thoughts this year and I am very grateful to them all, clients and staff. And just in time for Christmas I returned to my chosen career pathway, the stronger and more capable for the experiences of this year.
At home, not only my selfishness but our home environment was slowly destroying our family relationships. The kids were constantly sick or fighting, and so were The Husband and I. We were all always in the same place together and I guess it was Cabin Fever. Despite my funk The Husband kept dragging me through the year even though it was kicking and screaming on some days and downright fucking bitchy on others. Not once did I thank him and I struggle to think of a time when I was even particularly nice to him over an extended period. We moved and I was set back on my career path not 2 weeks later we could all feel and see the difference, though I think it's fair to say some damage has been done. The last 3 months have been a virtual bliss by comparison, with the exception that every man and their dog can hear us in our cornucopia of a home! For those of you who have known me a while, I am trying my best to be quieter...I'm not sure if that's something I'll ever really be. Hopefully the neighbours hear more laughter than arguments.
I am still politically strung up, dumbfounded and just astonished on a daily basis. Australia, what have you done to yourself? In 3 years time we will be unrecognisable and our children will be stuck with the shitstorm brewed in our last election.
I guess in hindsight 2013 was a year of self indulgence for me. Not something I am particularly proud of.
So onto 2014, I have 3 goals.
1. I have the same goal every year and I never follow through but I am getting old so I need to take being more healthy seriously. In 2014 I am finally going to learn how to ride a bike, come hell or high water! I'm going to ride my bike with my kids and dogs and we are going to have great fun doing so!
2. Goal 1 will help me in goal 2 to me a more relaxed parent, just enjoying my kids more when I am with them. Worrying less about the state of my house etc and just enjoying our time together. To be fair they are getting bigger now so it is less and less likely they can break themselves when I'm not hovering over them!
3. Regain my title of 'The Nice One." The Husband used to say I was the nice one but he hasn't had much cause to say that lately so I would like to spend time with The Husband, having fun. Being a couple not just parents and bill payers. We will have been together 14 years in 2014. We have seen good and bad. We have skipped together through some days and dragged each others sorry arses through other days but we've made it through all of those 14 years together. We have in the last 12 months had a tough year, and I have certainly played my part in that. We are on our way to a happier 2014,building towards the next 14 and I look forward to playing my part in that.
So on NYE 2013, I wish you all a wonderful 2014. To all those who have just had babies, found out they are pregnant, gotten engaged or married, started a relationship, finished school - enjoy your new experiences and remember to be nice to each other. You may not always get a second chance to do so.
What's left to say this year?
"Husband, will you spend 2014 having some fun with me?"
I have often thought of blogging this year but for a number of reasons have stayed away. In 2013 I have struggled with the potential destruction of my career by my own hand, I have struggled to be a different parent to the one I have been for many years and I have struggled to be a decent, let alone good, partner to The Husband and I have felt very bogged down in the nations politics, feeling like I don't fit in with my own peers as I watch so many support a party that is systematically destroying everything we identify as "Australian."
So I have stayed away as I believed my posts would be very depressing for all involved. In 2013 I have been consumed with myself and my feelings of confusion and desperation.
Before you get too concerned, 2013 has turned around dramatically!
Despite worrying about my career prospects I had a job this year that made me very happy. While I didn't necessarily agree with the management policies and actions I loved my day to day and the people I spent those days with. They went a long way to towards distracting me from my thoughts this year and I am very grateful to them all, clients and staff. And just in time for Christmas I returned to my chosen career pathway, the stronger and more capable for the experiences of this year.
At home, not only my selfishness but our home environment was slowly destroying our family relationships. The kids were constantly sick or fighting, and so were The Husband and I. We were all always in the same place together and I guess it was Cabin Fever. Despite my funk The Husband kept dragging me through the year even though it was kicking and screaming on some days and downright fucking bitchy on others. Not once did I thank him and I struggle to think of a time when I was even particularly nice to him over an extended period. We moved and I was set back on my career path not 2 weeks later we could all feel and see the difference, though I think it's fair to say some damage has been done. The last 3 months have been a virtual bliss by comparison, with the exception that every man and their dog can hear us in our cornucopia of a home! For those of you who have known me a while, I am trying my best to be quieter...I'm not sure if that's something I'll ever really be. Hopefully the neighbours hear more laughter than arguments.
I am still politically strung up, dumbfounded and just astonished on a daily basis. Australia, what have you done to yourself? In 3 years time we will be unrecognisable and our children will be stuck with the shitstorm brewed in our last election.
I guess in hindsight 2013 was a year of self indulgence for me. Not something I am particularly proud of.
So onto 2014, I have 3 goals.
1. I have the same goal every year and I never follow through but I am getting old so I need to take being more healthy seriously. In 2014 I am finally going to learn how to ride a bike, come hell or high water! I'm going to ride my bike with my kids and dogs and we are going to have great fun doing so!
2. Goal 1 will help me in goal 2 to me a more relaxed parent, just enjoying my kids more when I am with them. Worrying less about the state of my house etc and just enjoying our time together. To be fair they are getting bigger now so it is less and less likely they can break themselves when I'm not hovering over them!
3. Regain my title of 'The Nice One." The Husband used to say I was the nice one but he hasn't had much cause to say that lately so I would like to spend time with The Husband, having fun. Being a couple not just parents and bill payers. We will have been together 14 years in 2014. We have seen good and bad. We have skipped together through some days and dragged each others sorry arses through other days but we've made it through all of those 14 years together. We have in the last 12 months had a tough year, and I have certainly played my part in that. We are on our way to a happier 2014,building towards the next 14 and I look forward to playing my part in that.
So on NYE 2013, I wish you all a wonderful 2014. To all those who have just had babies, found out they are pregnant, gotten engaged or married, started a relationship, finished school - enjoy your new experiences and remember to be nice to each other. You may not always get a second chance to do so.
What's left to say this year?
"Husband, will you spend 2014 having some fun with me?"
Monday, 17 December 2012
Long time no post.
Well, it's been a long year and for a lot of it I have had this feeling that I have been shaking from the inside out. It turns out this has been anxiety related to what has likely been the worst career decision I have ever made. Today the shaking stopped and I have actually enjoyed myself. I have taken the puppy to the kids classes for news, I have been to the school carols concert and sung along with my youngest daughter and the rest of the audience and I have been out to dinner. Most importantly I made the decision that it is over! I didn't realise until today how bad things had gotten and I am disappointed that I have struggled so much without being self aware enough to know that I should have drawn the line long ago. I thought I was tough enough and that there was no way I would give in. Had I walked away in the beginning I wouldn't have been giving in, I would have been sending a clear message that I don't accept disrespectful or unethical behaviour. Instead I did give in by staying and putting up with it. Either way, the relief I have felt today in knowing this part of my career is over is nothing short of magical. There have been no drugs involved, not even alcohol. Just pure brain chemistry. I am confident that I will bounce back without medication and i have refused it to this point though that is only what is right for me right now. I am looking forward to Christmas to help me do that but today someone said these words to me and she was totally right- " if you don't feel yourself again in a few weeks, come back for help."
So at this often difficult time of year, if you are not feeling the relief and happiness I am then please heed those words and see your doctor.
I not have achieved any of the things I set out to this year but I can always try again next time, it's almost here after all! In the meantime, Merry Christmas everybody. Stuff yourselves, enjoy an expensive bottle of wine with friends and family while sharing the love!
So at this often difficult time of year, if you are not feeling the relief and happiness I am then please heed those words and see your doctor.
I not have achieved any of the things I set out to this year but I can always try again next time, it's almost here after all! In the meantime, Merry Christmas everybody. Stuff yourselves, enjoy an expensive bottle of wine with friends and family while sharing the love!
Saturday, 29 September 2012
Time to call it quits...
Against my better judgement I spoke with my father today. I have quietly held out hope that my parents placed some value on their relationship with me, their first child & the 3 beautiful grand daughters I had given them. That at some point they would accept their part in our currently barely existent relationship, apologise & we'd move on.
Don't get me wrong. Born out of my anger I have said some nasty things to my parents these last 2 years. I'm sorry it has come to that & I've said this to them. They however continue to maintain that we can all say & do whatever to each other with never the need to apologise. I do not agree. I think family are exactly the people we need to treat best. With love, understanding & consideration.
So today in an effort to make things clear & simple I said that I would set aside all my issues except those most important to me. I then explained again to my father how all I had wanted for my children was the loving & engaged grandparents I had growing up. I told him that I felt exceptionally let down by the fact that in 10 years they had never offered to help me or to just spend time with the kids. That I had just been left to it from the minute I became a parent. I said I was grateful for the fact that they did help when I asked but wanted to know why I needed to be in dire need of help before I got any & why they couldn't see I needed help & offer. Why didn't they simply want to be with their grand children? My kids are sweet, funny, clever & great fun! I asked where they were after the birth of their first grand daughter as I waited 4 days to find out if she'd live or die. Dad said "your mother had to work & you had Stephen." Are they fucking kidding! When I think of the friends & family friends who traveled across Sydney to see my baby & support us yet my parents & sister were nowhere to be seen. Dad justified this by saying he would have sent my grandmother away were he in my place decades ago. A) She wouldn't have left no matter how much my mother dislikes her and B) That is a totally abnormal response!
They did the same at the birth of their other 2 premmie & unwell grand daughters and spent most of 7 years ignoring the kids on Saturdays in favour of doing the housework. "We have chores to do around the house on weekends" Great excuse but I work, have housework, make meals & still find the time for my kids- they're what it's all about aren't they? Dad's response "I'm very impressed you manage all that."
2 years ago my kids started complaining that they didn't get to do the things friends did with their grandparents. After enough of this I told my parents that rather me bring the kids over every weekend they could contact us when they wanted to see them. It was 2 months before we heard from them. Now they blame me- I was angry so they didn't want to bother me. WHAT?! My kids will never get the chance to walk away from me. I would be on their doorstep every day til it was sorted. In 2 years, when left to organise their own visits, they've seen their grand children 5 times. This I'm told today is also my fault- because I'm angry & make them feel uncomfortable when they visit. TOUGH SHIT! That's how my kids felt for 7 years visiting you- like they were in the way. Sucks, doesn't it!
So why am I so angry again? Well, today after discussing all of this I asked my father if he understood what birthdays mean to kids. He claims he does. I asked him why then did they call a day late for my eldest & then proceed to ask her when her birthday was. I saw her face at the time & she was crushed. They'd forgotten her. My middle daughter is an incredibly sensitive & loving child- there was no phone call & a card arrived over a week late. Disbelief! Another forgotten. Then they tell me why they didn't ring. They'd just returned from a rollicking good time in Hawaii & Mum was having a minor surgery that evening. They had however managed to travel across Sydney to visit other family but couldn't make a phone call on a special day to a supposedly special person. Let's say things had gone pear shaped in surgery, at least my daughters would have had that phone call- didn't occur to my parents.
It's my youngest daughters birthday next week which is why they're calling. I gave them a rev up after the last cock up so now they're going to get this one right & leave the other kids wondering what's wrong with them that their birthdays are so easily passed over.
Then to top things off my father makes totally unfounded and outrageous accusations and I snap. I've told them they can't see the kids. Something I have never done despite their skewed perception of our situation. So I've stooped to their level and I'm kicking myself. Really though I should have seen this coming sooner and as my father would say "called it quits".
My problem is that I struggle to reconcile their behaviour as parents and grandparents with what I see every day in other families. One example is watching all the baby showers for the plethora of pregnant ladies i know. Their mothers are so excitedly involved- not mine. The fact is that their every response is to let me go because it's easier for them and it always has been. How do I watch my kids realise they got dudded on grandparents? How do I reconcile that got dudded too? Maybe it's me with the skewed perception & unreal expectations? Is it really my fault? am i just supposed to accept whatever shit they pull & smile & nod? I wouldn't let anyone else get away with the crap they've pulled. why are they exempt? I just don't know anymore...I do know this can't continue & if I didn't have the kids I would have walked away long ago.
Don't get me wrong. Born out of my anger I have said some nasty things to my parents these last 2 years. I'm sorry it has come to that & I've said this to them. They however continue to maintain that we can all say & do whatever to each other with never the need to apologise. I do not agree. I think family are exactly the people we need to treat best. With love, understanding & consideration.
So today in an effort to make things clear & simple I said that I would set aside all my issues except those most important to me. I then explained again to my father how all I had wanted for my children was the loving & engaged grandparents I had growing up. I told him that I felt exceptionally let down by the fact that in 10 years they had never offered to help me or to just spend time with the kids. That I had just been left to it from the minute I became a parent. I said I was grateful for the fact that they did help when I asked but wanted to know why I needed to be in dire need of help before I got any & why they couldn't see I needed help & offer. Why didn't they simply want to be with their grand children? My kids are sweet, funny, clever & great fun! I asked where they were after the birth of their first grand daughter as I waited 4 days to find out if she'd live or die. Dad said "your mother had to work & you had Stephen." Are they fucking kidding! When I think of the friends & family friends who traveled across Sydney to see my baby & support us yet my parents & sister were nowhere to be seen. Dad justified this by saying he would have sent my grandmother away were he in my place decades ago. A) She wouldn't have left no matter how much my mother dislikes her and B) That is a totally abnormal response!
They did the same at the birth of their other 2 premmie & unwell grand daughters and spent most of 7 years ignoring the kids on Saturdays in favour of doing the housework. "We have chores to do around the house on weekends" Great excuse but I work, have housework, make meals & still find the time for my kids- they're what it's all about aren't they? Dad's response "I'm very impressed you manage all that."
2 years ago my kids started complaining that they didn't get to do the things friends did with their grandparents. After enough of this I told my parents that rather me bring the kids over every weekend they could contact us when they wanted to see them. It was 2 months before we heard from them. Now they blame me- I was angry so they didn't want to bother me. WHAT?! My kids will never get the chance to walk away from me. I would be on their doorstep every day til it was sorted. In 2 years, when left to organise their own visits, they've seen their grand children 5 times. This I'm told today is also my fault- because I'm angry & make them feel uncomfortable when they visit. TOUGH SHIT! That's how my kids felt for 7 years visiting you- like they were in the way. Sucks, doesn't it!
So why am I so angry again? Well, today after discussing all of this I asked my father if he understood what birthdays mean to kids. He claims he does. I asked him why then did they call a day late for my eldest & then proceed to ask her when her birthday was. I saw her face at the time & she was crushed. They'd forgotten her. My middle daughter is an incredibly sensitive & loving child- there was no phone call & a card arrived over a week late. Disbelief! Another forgotten. Then they tell me why they didn't ring. They'd just returned from a rollicking good time in Hawaii & Mum was having a minor surgery that evening. They had however managed to travel across Sydney to visit other family but couldn't make a phone call on a special day to a supposedly special person. Let's say things had gone pear shaped in surgery, at least my daughters would have had that phone call- didn't occur to my parents.
It's my youngest daughters birthday next week which is why they're calling. I gave them a rev up after the last cock up so now they're going to get this one right & leave the other kids wondering what's wrong with them that their birthdays are so easily passed over.
Then to top things off my father makes totally unfounded and outrageous accusations and I snap. I've told them they can't see the kids. Something I have never done despite their skewed perception of our situation. So I've stooped to their level and I'm kicking myself. Really though I should have seen this coming sooner and as my father would say "called it quits".
My problem is that I struggle to reconcile their behaviour as parents and grandparents with what I see every day in other families. One example is watching all the baby showers for the plethora of pregnant ladies i know. Their mothers are so excitedly involved- not mine. The fact is that their every response is to let me go because it's easier for them and it always has been. How do I watch my kids realise they got dudded on grandparents? How do I reconcile that got dudded too? Maybe it's me with the skewed perception & unreal expectations? Is it really my fault? am i just supposed to accept whatever shit they pull & smile & nod? I wouldn't let anyone else get away with the crap they've pulled. why are they exempt? I just don't know anymore...I do know this can't continue & if I didn't have the kids I would have walked away long ago.
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