Well, it's been a long year and for a lot of it I have had this feeling that I have been shaking from the inside out. It turns out this has been anxiety related to what has likely been the worst career decision I have ever made. Today the shaking stopped and I have actually enjoyed myself. I have taken the puppy to the kids classes for news, I have been to the school carols concert and sung along with my youngest daughter and the rest of the audience and I have been out to dinner. Most importantly I made the decision that it is over! I didn't realise until today how bad things had gotten and I am disappointed that I have struggled so much without being self aware enough to know that I should have drawn the line long ago. I thought I was tough enough and that there was no way I would give in. Had I walked away in the beginning I wouldn't have been giving in, I would have been sending a clear message that I don't accept disrespectful or unethical behaviour. Instead I did give in by staying and putting up with it. Either way, the relief I have felt today in knowing this part of my career is over is nothing short of magical. There have been no drugs involved, not even alcohol. Just pure brain chemistry. I am confident that I will bounce back without medication and i have refused it to this point though that is only what is right for me right now. I am looking forward to Christmas to help me do that but today someone said these words to me and she was totally right- " if you don't feel yourself again in a few weeks, come back for help."
So at this often difficult time of year, if you are not feeling the relief and happiness I am then please heed those words and see your doctor.
I not have achieved any of the things I set out to this year but I can always try again next time, it's almost here after all! In the meantime, Merry Christmas everybody. Stuff yourselves, enjoy an expensive bottle of wine with friends and family while sharing the love!
