Against my better judgement I spoke with my father today. I have quietly held out hope that my parents placed some value on their relationship with me, their first child & the 3 beautiful grand daughters I had given them. That at some point they would accept their part in our currently barely existent relationship, apologise & we'd move on.
Don't get me wrong. Born out of my anger I have said some nasty things to my parents these last 2 years. I'm sorry it has come to that & I've said this to them. They however continue to maintain that we can all say & do whatever to each other with never the need to apologise. I do not agree. I think family are exactly the people we need to treat best. With love, understanding & consideration.
So today in an effort to make things clear & simple I said that I would set aside all my issues except those most important to me. I then explained again to my father how all I had wanted for my children was the loving & engaged grandparents I had growing up. I told him that I felt exceptionally let down by the fact that in 10 years they had never offered to help me or to just spend time with the kids. That I had just been left to it from the minute I became a parent. I said I was grateful for the fact that they did help when I asked but wanted to know why I needed to be in dire need of help before I got any & why they couldn't see I needed help & offer. Why didn't they simply want to be with their grand children? My kids are sweet, funny, clever & great fun! I asked where they were after the birth of their first grand daughter as I waited 4 days to find out if she'd live or die. Dad said "your mother had to work & you had Stephen." Are they fucking kidding! When I think of the friends & family friends who traveled across Sydney to see my baby & support us yet my parents & sister were nowhere to be seen. Dad justified this by saying he would have sent my grandmother away were he in my place decades ago. A) She wouldn't have left no matter how much my mother dislikes her and B) That is a totally abnormal response!
They did the same at the birth of their other 2 premmie & unwell grand daughters and spent most of 7 years ignoring the kids on Saturdays in favour of doing the housework. "We have chores to do around the house on weekends" Great excuse but I work, have housework, make meals & still find the time for my kids- they're what it's all about aren't they? Dad's response "I'm very impressed you manage all that."
2 years ago my kids started complaining that they didn't get to do the things friends did with their grandparents. After enough of this I told my parents that rather me bring the kids over every weekend they could contact us when they wanted to see them. It was 2 months before we heard from them. Now they blame me- I was angry so they didn't want to bother me. WHAT?! My kids will never get the chance to walk away from me. I would be on their doorstep every day til it was sorted. In 2 years, when left to organise their own visits, they've seen their grand children 5 times. This I'm told today is also my fault- because I'm angry & make them feel uncomfortable when they visit. TOUGH SHIT! That's how my kids felt for 7 years visiting you- like they were in the way. Sucks, doesn't it!
So why am I so angry again? Well, today after discussing all of this I asked my father if he understood what birthdays mean to kids. He claims he does. I asked him why then did they call a day late for my eldest & then proceed to ask her when her birthday was. I saw her face at the time & she was crushed. They'd forgotten her. My middle daughter is an incredibly sensitive & loving child- there was no phone call & a card arrived over a week late. Disbelief! Another forgotten. Then they tell me why they didn't ring. They'd just returned from a rollicking good time in Hawaii & Mum was having a minor surgery that evening. They had however managed to travel across Sydney to visit other family but couldn't make a phone call on a special day to a supposedly special person. Let's say things had gone pear shaped in surgery, at least my daughters would have had that phone call- didn't occur to my parents.
It's my youngest daughters birthday next week which is why they're calling. I gave them a rev up after the last cock up so now they're going to get this one right & leave the other kids wondering what's wrong with them that their birthdays are so easily passed over.
Then to top things off my father makes totally unfounded and outrageous accusations and I snap. I've told them they can't see the kids. Something I have never done despite their skewed perception of our situation. So I've stooped to their level and I'm kicking myself. Really though I should have seen this coming sooner and as my father would say "called it quits".
My problem is that I struggle to reconcile their behaviour as parents and grandparents with what I see every day in other families. One example is watching all the baby showers for the plethora of pregnant ladies i know. Their mothers are so excitedly involved- not mine. The fact is that their every response is to let me go because it's easier for them and it always has been. How do I watch my kids realise they got dudded on grandparents? How do I reconcile that got dudded too? Maybe it's me with the skewed perception & unreal expectations? Is it really my fault? am i just supposed to accept whatever shit they pull & smile & nod? I wouldn't let anyone else get away with the crap they've pulled. why are they exempt? I just don't know anymore...I do know this can't continue & if I didn't have the kids I would have walked away long ago.
